Two Words that Really Matter

Photo by Florian Schmetz on Unsplash

Yes and no.

They're simple words but they can get us into all sorts of trouble!

After a season of saying yes, I recently hit my limit, and this past week has been one of saying no.

One was to a new ministry opportunity at church.

Another, my daughter’s request to attend a school event.

Another still, a colleagues’ request to help them think through a ministry issue.

I even had to say no to our weekly prayer meeting on campus.

It was hard, because all of these things seemed really important. And so each time I was left questioning is this really the right thing to do?

How do we think wisely about what we say yes and no to?

How do we discern the line between being sacrificial and foolishly pushing ourselves beyond our limits?

Here’s a few principles I try to apply.

Our Yes's and No’s Matter

The first thing I remember is that our yes’s and no’s matter.

It’s fascinating just how much the scriptures make of them.

For example, in the sermon on the mount, Jesus famously exhorts:

Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ “no”; anything beyond this comes from the evil one - (Matt 5:37)

So too, James warns his readers:

Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple “Yes” or “No.” Otherwise you will be condemned. - (James 5:12)

In both these, the context is about ‘swearing oaths’. A practice uncommon for us but common for the Jews of the time. They had developed a whole system around oaths; allowing them to craft their words so that some were binding and others were not.

Jesus’ and James’ point is forget about oaths and just be true to your word. As the New Testament scholar Don Carson writes:

'For the follower of Jesus, it is best simply to say “Yes” and mean yes, to say “No” and mean no.'[1]

Though we might not ‘swear oaths’ today, the same principal applies.

As Jesus' followers, we're to be marked by honesty and integrity. We're to be people, who like God, keep our word.

When we take our yes and no’s lightly we undermine this. We therefore need to think carefully before offering them.

A Yes is Always a No to Something Else

The second principal I apply is to remember that a yes to one thing is a no to something else.

For instance, a few weeks ago I preached at one of our local church partners. This was good to do with lots of benefits for them and our partnership. At the same time it was to say ‘no’ to a whole bunch of other things...

It meant saying ‘no’ to a Sunday morning sleep-in.

It was a ‘no’ to spending time with my own church family.

It was a ‘no’ to hanging out with my kids that evening.

It was a ‘no' to my regular Sunday afternoon bike ride.

And it was a ‘no’ to feeling rested and energised for the next week of ministry on campus.

Now obviously some of these things don’t matter. As much as I enjoy a Sunday morning lie-in, I can live without it.

Others, however, require a bit more thought. Are the benefits of serving a local church worth the cost of a Sunday’s investment in my brothers and sisters at my home church? Does the ministry opportunity trump the relational opportunity of some relaxed time with my kids?

Plus there are the cumulative costs. Skipping exercise or eating into my energy for the upcoming week are in and of themselves probably not a big deal. But if I make the same decision every week, it adds up.

For me, remembering this is important. Because my yes’s comes far easier than my no’s (I suspect I’m not alone in that). To say yes feels helpful and positive, whereas to say no is quite literally to be a ‘naysayer’. More than that, saying yes tends to make people happy with you because you’re giving them what they want. In contrast, saying no risks disappointing them.

But the reality is, when we say yes, a door to something else is inevitably closed.

As I consider what I say yes to, I try to think about what I’m implicitly saying no to in doing so.

No’s Enable Us to Say Yes to Better Things

The third thing I think about is that saying no enables me to take opportunities to say yes to better things.

Matt Perman, in his excellent book What’s Best Next, makes the case for only scheduling your diary to 70-80%. He argues that most people schedule to the max; filling every minute with tasks and appointments. The problem is that when an unforeseen opportunity arises, we often don’t have capacity for it. To help we either need to drop something that we'd committed to or go beyond our limits to do everything.

His antidote is to only schedule our time to 70-80%. This preserves space and flexibility to take up opportunities to love God and serve others as they arise. If they don't, we'll no doubt find something else to spend our time on anyway.

There’s much wisdom in this. But it’s hard to do!

I wonder if this is because many of us are so enslaved to the word ‘yes’.

We feel that unless there’s some reason why we can’t do something, our default ought just be to do it.

The wisdom of Matt Perman’s principal is that its goal is to preserve space to do the best things, not just whatever might be in front of us. This empowers us to say no too good things, even without an obvious reason. Why? To enable us to take up other good opportunities as they arise.

The One Yes that Really Matters

One last thing I think about with this topic is that in Jesus I have all the yes’s I need.

Is there a better verse in this connection than Paul’s words to the Corinthian believers?

He writes:

For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by us—by me and Silas] and Timothy—was not “Yes” and “No,” but in him it has always been “Yes.” For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. - (2 Corinthians 1:19-20)

In the context, Paul is explaining his change of plans in not visiting the Corinthians. He worries they might see him as fickle, making promises and not keeping them. To reassure them he points them to the yes that really matters - God’s ‘yes’ in his Son Jesus.

A yes that – unlike ours – is completely trustworthy.

A yes that guarantees his promises to us are completely sure.

So as we offer our yes and no’s, we should take them seriously. They are expressions of trustworthiness and integrity. But even more, we must offer them in the context of the yes that really matters. For while sometimes we get our yes and no's wrong, God does not. No, in Jesus he has offered the perfect yes. A yes that is completely trustworthy and so can always be relied on.

[1] D.A. Carson, Jesus' Sermon on the Mount: and his confrontation with the world (Grand Rapids, MI.: Baker Books,1987), 51.