Frustrated with Your People? Some Hard Truths for Grumpy Pastors

“What’s wrong with these people?” “Why aren’t they here?” “They’re so immature!” “Don’t they understand the gospel?”

Have you ever felt these kinds of frustrations in ministry? I know I have. The people we pastor can be deeply frustrating.

You plan events—and they don’t show up.

You run evangelistic outreach—and no one invites their friends.

You put out a call for generosity—and the response is underwhelming.

It can be so discouraging. And the temptation is to grow bitter toward the very people the Lord has called us to love.

In those moments, it’s worth pausing to ask: are my frustrations actually fair?

Because while, yes, the Bible is clear that Christians can be spiritually stubborn and immature, sometimes the problem is more with us than with them.

As the old adage goes, when you point the finger at someone, there are four fingers pointing back at you.

So what might those four fingers be?

Well here are four questions worth asking ourselves in our moments of frustration:

1. Have I created unfair measures of maturity?

Sometimes we expect things of people that aren’t actually fair.

We can create measures of spiritual maturity—which might even be good—but aren’t specified in Scripture.

For instance, the Bible urges believers “not to neglect meeting together” (Heb. 10:25), but that doesn’t mean every believer must attend every church event. In fact, sometimes there are godly reasons not to!

Similarly, we rightly value being a welcoming church. Yet this shouldn’t mean people feel it’s wrong to ever spend time talking to a friend after a service.

I recall a season when a friend of mine was going through a particularly hard time. It was difficult for them to turn up to church alone, and often they found themselves just struggling to make it through the service. In that season, what they needed wasn’t me rushing to welcome visitors— but a friend who would sit, listen, and walk alongside them.

In moments of frustration, when people aren’t living out their faith in the way we expect, it’s worth asking: is this a fair measure? Or might I have created a false measure and they are honouring Jesus in a way different from what I imagined? 2. Have I understood where they're at?

Another question to ask is: am I expecting a level of maturity that this person does not yet have? That is, sometimes we assume people are further along in their faith than they are and then resent them for not living up to our unfair expectation.

This is a real danger in my ministry among university students.

We often see students make rapid, visible growth – they get serious about studying the Bible, they learn to lead small groups, they get passionate about sharing their faith.

It’s exciting to watch! But it’s easy to confuse this visible growth and activity with settled Christian character.

This, though, isn’t fair.

Like teenagers following a growth spurt, it takes time for people to settle into their "bigger bodies."  Failing to acknowledge this lag leads to inevitable disappointment and frustration – not because they’ve failed but because we’ve failed to appreciate where they’re at. 3. Have I truly invested in them?

In moments of frustration, another question worth asking is: have I done the work of spiritually investing in this person?

We often expect growth of people, but we haven’t actually committed ourselves to meeting with them, praying for them, encouraging them, and lovingly correcting them.

Instead, we jump straight to judging their immaturity and resenting them for it.

But how can we expect people to grow if we’re not personally engaged or invested in them? And so rather than getting frustrated, perhaps a better step is to reach out and personally invest. 4. Am I modelling what I expect of others?

The final question to ask is: am I modelling what I’m frustrated at others for not doing?

I remember when I worked as student minister at a local church, our staff team went away for a planning retreat. When reviewing the year, we started talking about the lack of visitors at our evangelistic events. In short, we concluded it was because people weren’t inviting friends.

Then our senior minister asked a pointed question:

“so who did each of us invite?”

There was an awkward pause.

Then one by one we admitted that none of us had invited anyone.

To be frustrated at those we pastor for not doing what we weren’t doing ourselves – that’s the height of hypocrisy.

And yet, I catch myself doing different versions of this all the time.

So How Should we Respond?

Next time you feel frustrated with your people, take a moment to reflect on your own contribution. Sure, there may be sin and immaturity – that’s inevitable. This side of the glory, we’re all works in progress. But it’s likely there’s stuff we’re contributing too – whether it unfair expectations, a lack of personal investment or even blatant hypocrisy.

Stopping to acknowledge that, will guard us against bitterness and resentment, and instead to humbly keep walking alongside our people as we point one another to Jesus on our way to glory.