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OK, let's talk about pornography

  • timomrod8
  • May 25, 2023
  • 5 min read


An occupational hazard of student ministry is I spend a lot of time talking about pornography.


You've likely heard the stats but they're sobering to be reminded of.

Triple J did a survey of 15,000 young Australians (i.e. 18-29 year olds) a few years back. It found:

  • Almost all the men surveyed watch porn, and about half of women

  • 65% of men look at it multiple times a week,

  • 14% of men look at it every day

  • 50% think they look at too much pornography

  • Yet almost no one believes it negatively impacts them or their relationships [1]

And while it might be easy to write these off as the skewed findings of a secular radio station, it certainly fits with my experience ministering among university aged students.


Porn is just a normal part of life, and so many students are "in deep".

My gut response is to "bury my head in the sand". Who wants to spend their days discussing porn? It's so much easier to ignore the problem, focus on other things and hope that those I minister among are the 'exception' for who porn isn't an issue.


But of course, that's just naive. Worse, it neglects to love those the Lord has put in my care.

What's needed is a willingness to keep confronting the issue.


Over the years I've learnt that this requires a balance of seriousness, understanding, accountability and hope. All the time - as the scriptures warn - 'keeping watch on yourself, lest you to be tempted' (Gal 6:1).

Seriousness

It sounds obvious, but helping others fight pornography requires seriousness.

This is because porn is so destructive.


For the user, it impacts how they think of themselves and relate to others.

It turns God's precious 'image bearers' on the other side of a screen into an object existing purely for one's own pleasure. In time, these attitudes seep into "real-life" relationships and interactions, leading to all sorts of harm.[2]


Worse, many Christians find themselves not just looking at porn but caught in a destructive cycle of temptation, indulgence, guilt and repentance. They sin, confess, vow never to do it again, only to find themselves in the same place just days later. This cycle can feel impossible to escape and results in deep shame. At its worst it leads to them disconnecting from Christian community or even giving up their faith altogether.

But it's not just the user who pornography harms; it's also destructive to others.

It buys into the porn industry - which despite its protests to the contrary (ever heard the term 'ethical porn'?) - routinely exploits those it trades in.


Pornography also wounds partners and spouses who feel betrayed and sometimes even to blame for their partner's problem. Too often I have seen these wounds wreak havoc, as un-dealt with porn habits have been inflicted on others, leaving relational carnage and even marriages in their wake.


Understanding

Alongside seriousness, helping others with porn also requires understanding.


This is because for many, porn is not just a habit but an addiction. Frequent usage rewires our brains, creates cravings, leaving the addict at it's mercy:

Just like addictive products such as tobacco, porn can create pathways within the brain that lead to cravings, and those cravings can push consumers to search longer and more diligently for the same level of “high.” What’s worse is that the amount of dopamine that floods the brain only increases with repeated consumption. Each time a consumer turns to porn, they increase their cravings for more.[3]

This certainly rings true among the students I minister too.


They often first view pornography in their early teens but then slowly ramp-up the frequency and the extremity of what they're watching.


This is not helped by, the social norm to be constantly connected online. Imagine, for example, a 'smoker' trying to quit while carrying a pack of cigarettes with them everywhere and others constantly asking them for a light. Well, that's not too dissimilar to the experience of a porn addict who's expected to carry a mobile phone and reply to their friends on instagram.


What this means is that even though the Christian porn user may desire to stop, it's not as straightforward as just telling them to "just say no" or "try harder".


No, to be of use genuine empathy is required.

This enables us to tread gently and have realistic expectations. It reminds us that like any addiction, overcoming porn is always a long-term project replete with setbacks along the way.


Accountability

If there's one place I've been most delinquent in helping students with this issue, it's been in offering accountability.


Part of this is temperamental - I don't like confrontation and accountability involves that.

Part of its theological - we're all ultimately accountable to Jesus, so who am I to do hold you to account? If I'm honest, part of it's also personal. With an issue like this, it's easy to feel like a 'hypocrite'.


Despite my reservations, I'm still convinced accountability is needed.

Pornography, like all sin, thrives in secret. Sharing our struggles with one another brings it into the light and so robs it off this power.


More than that, the Christian life is a team-sport. The scriptures instruct us to 'bear one another's burdens' (Gal 6:2) and 'confess our sins to one another' (Ja 5:16). In fact, doing this is actually part of God's gracious means of growing us in Christ-likeness.


So what does accountability look like?

Well I'm far from an expert, but some of the things it's meant for me include:

  • Texting/speaking regularly to ask how someone is going with porn

  • Praying with and for the person

  • Safeguarding device passwords to prevent unhelpful downloads

  • Being an accountability partner using software like Covenant Eyes

  • Encouraging those seriously addicted to seek professional help/counselling

No doubt there's many other things we might add to the list. The key is that we make use of one-another and take seriously the help in this way.


Hope

The last - and perhaps most neglected - way we help one another with porn is to keep offering hope.


By this, I don't mean hope that we'll get married and that'll somehow fix the problem (it doesn't by the way). No, I'm talking about gospel hope. The certain hope born of Jesus' death in our place and ongoing presence in our lives.


Those struggling with porn need to be reminded that God's love for them is far-reaching, that Jesus' blood is deep-cleansing and the Spirit's work is life-giving. Indeed, if these things aren't true, the scriptures wouldn't expect us to make progress with sin!


One passage I always read with students is 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6:


It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God


I love the realism and confidence of these verses.


They're realistic because they understand that honouring God is not natural nor instantaneous but something we must 'learn'. Yet these verses still are confident that real change can happen. In fact, it is God's will for us!


And so yes sometimes the progress will be slow. And yes, this side of Jesus' return it will never be complete. But willed by God and empowered by His Spirit, we really can 'learn to honour God with our bodies'.


We need to remember this and we need to keep pointing those struggling with porn to it. For if this was true for the Thessalonians, who's to doubt it's not also true for you, I and those we minister among.




 
 
 

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