To connect or direct (that's the question)?

There's two kinds of ministry leaders.

There are those who gravitate toward forming connection. And there are those who are more at home providing direction.

My default is to connect. I like to get to know people, make them feel safe, empathise with them and over time help them to trust me. A few years ago a student I'd discipled for a number of years bluntly described it: 'Tim's got the encouraging thing down but he needs to grow in pushing people a bit more'.

Perhaps that's you also?

Or perhaps you're the opposite? Maybe you're more at home offering direction.

While, yes, connecting is good and well, in the end it doesn't actually achieve anything. No, to grow people need to know what's true and guided to put that into action.

Paul's example

The reality, of course, is those we lead need both.

Paul offers an interesting model for us in his ministry among the Thessalonians. He likens himself to both a 'mother' and 'father'. He writes in 1 Thessalonians chapter 2:

'Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you

so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as

well.' (1 Thes 2:7-8)

A few verses later he continues:

'For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children,

encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his

kingdom and glory.' (1 Thes 2:11-12)

Putting to one side any comments about the gender stereotypes - what Paul is describing is a ministry of both 'connection' and 'direction'.

He neglected neither.

As the Thessalonians 'mother' he 'delighted' and 'cared' for them; indeed he shared his 'life' with them. The emotion of Paul's language matters. He's not describing an artificial connection borne of a group bonding exercise or a weekend retreat. No what's on view is a deep relationship with the Thessalonians themselves. They knew he cared for them because he genuinely did.

Paul's description of himself as their 'father' is equally striking.

He didn't settle for just connection. No, as their father he offered them direction - encouraging, comforting and urging them to live lives worthy of God.

No doubt sometimes this was positive and welcomed by the Thessalonians. At other times it was probably far more difficult as he corrected and challenged them about things in their lives that were not worthy of God. But difficult or not, as their father, he was motivated by love and his goal was their good.

What might we learn from Paul's example?

Don't stop short of direction

For those like me who's default is connection the challenge is to push beyond that. To not stop short of urging people toward God's goal for them in Christ.

A wise friend challenged me about this recently. He said: "Tim, you're a natural connector. You make people feel safe and help people trust you. Imagine what it would be like if you were able to offer clarity and direction at the same time."

It was challenging to hear but they were right.

Connection without direction is just "warm fuzzies". People might feel good about themselves but without pushing them their sin is never dealt, righteousness never pursued and God's kingdom taken for granted.

For the natural connector to do this requires courage. It requires walking toward the danger and having honest conversations and saying difficult things. Sometimes it even means being misunderstood, or worse, perfectly understood and not liked as a result. But because ministry is about serving others and not ourselves, it's worth it.

Take the time to connect

The word to those more at home with 'direction' is "take the time to connect".

Connection is not just 'ministry window-dressing'. No, it's the context in which direction flourishes. It's only as people feel loved and known by you that they will be willing to be led by you. It's only as they trust you that they will be willing to listen to you.

More than that, when we fail to connect, we turn those we lead into projects or resources there for our ministry ends. Paul's model as a 'mother' who cared and shared his life with the Thessalonians warns against this.

So don't neglect connection.

Rather as Paul did among the Thessalonians, let's be like mothers and fathers to those we lead offering connection and direction for their good and the glory of Christ.